It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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