how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
