Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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