Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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