just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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