And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
