My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
