So drunk its hurt
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
