I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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