His pubic hair was longer than his dick
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
