I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
