What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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