...so i touched it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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