I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just invented taco cereal.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
