i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
