he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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