I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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