"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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