There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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