I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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