I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
