Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Randomize
