This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
