What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
