Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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