when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
