i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
