so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think people are normalizing furries
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize