If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
