He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
