I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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