Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.