sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
