I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
