I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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