Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
