And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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