Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
