It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
