dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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