I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
