my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
