me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
