I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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