When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
