I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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