if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.