You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
