Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
