I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
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Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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