I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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