Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
