I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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