Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
