If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
