I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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