oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
