would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
