chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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