I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
